Wonder and Wandering

 I have to wonder about how I wander. I wander through a day. I walk through the hills. I wonder and ponder why I no longer sleep. I putter around the house, lay my head down, and wake up two hours later. Is this what I have to look forward to as I get older and older?

How is it that the older we get, the less sleep we get? When we were an Infant, we did not sleep, and it appears that in my old age, I do not sleep. I will be 57 this year. Some years in the middle I slept for hours, but now it seems I do not sleep. I putter, wander and wonder about my life. 

So I sit here writing to all of you and wonder if you are sleeping. Have you hit the later part of life when you do not sleep? Any tips on sleeping? I am not stressed. I am not worried. I am just calm and here and not sleeping.

SOOO I wander around, the neighborhood during the day and the house at night. There is a scene in Sex and the City when Big dies and Carrie wanders around the city. She is lost. She is doing the best she can after losing her husband. Carry Wonders what is next and wanders through the neighborhood. One step in front of the other and before you know it we are all just moving forward. 

Are we all wandering and lost, or are we looking for new opportunities? Life seems to like throwing out things at us that shock us, stun us, or just leave us frozen. We cannot be ready for them as we do not know what that THEM is. I have to wonder about myself. Have I taken the opportunities that I have been given or have I been afraid and not moved or truly lived?

When people ask me to go out, to meet them somewhere, since COVID, I do not go out. I also now have to be up at 5 AM for work, where before I worked 8:30-4:30. Life keeps changing, and I change with it or get left behind. I truly love my life, but sometimes I feel a step off. I feel like I took three steps instead of 4 and I trip and almost lose my balance. Life, again, seems insane at times and sometimes seems serene. 

I go from Wondering about life to wandering through it. I feel lost since the death of my mom. She was a big support through my adult years and without her I do definitely wonder aimlessly in my life from time to time, but I try to go forward, carrying her with me, it helps I am her spitting image, and I would like to say she is smiling down on me, but who knows.  My mom was a worrying, wanderer and always in wonderment when she met someone new and made new friends.

Ok, now my words are wondering what I am trying to say, and my mind is wandering away, so time to wrap this post up. If you wander or wonder, may you find the peace you are looking for. My mom has been gone 2 years and it is still rough. I will not lie. It is a rough road. I read 7 grief books to try and get me through the grief. It did not work, but wearing her jewelry, and carrying her in my heart everywhere I go helps.

May you find the peace you are searching for and may you be a wanderer through your life and may you experience all sorts of things.

Your friend in Wander and Wondering,

Debbie

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