Life, The Simplistic version, or is it?

 

 Photo by me, Debbie

Life feels like it is in bokeh. It's a blur. We get up, and we are still trudging forward, Covid is still with us, but lil by lil we are pushing back into our normal lives. I'm on the peripheral watching the world live. I'm just observing.  I do not have a clue what normal is. I try to do my best to stay healthy and to do what is right for me, but at the end of the day, I am befuddled about what is right. What is normal? 

Through this entire chaotic world of Covid I have worked. I have my own office, I closed my door, I wore my masks. Most of my coworkers went to work from home while I tried to stay safe and back from my remaining co-workers. Now with trying to move back to shopping in person, not wearing masks as much and still washing my hands like I am getting ready for surgery, I wonder, am I doing enough? 

I love hiking. I can do that safely through covid, I can still get outside and enjoy nature. I can walk around my neighborhood and wave to neighbors from the curb, but sitting on each other's porches is done. No one wants you to come to sit a spell anymore. They like you waving and moving on. Everyone is still dealing with the anxiety and stress of this disease and how it riddled us with a fear we did not know before all of the chaos started.  

My lens on this world is like the bokeh photo above. It is there, I can see it, but can I tell you what it is, no I cannot not. Right now I cannot go outside. The pollen and my allergies do not mix and constantly send me back to the doctor, so for right now I sit inside and right. I can see the world, but not clearly, I can see a time when we say, remember when we lost so many people to covid? 

I have so many people I know who had it and are ok, but I have also known people who have died from it. I take a step forward into the world, but then I hear something, I lose someone, a friend loses someone and then I take two steps back into the blur. I want to be in the world, while also not being around people. I have to wonder how many of us have dug into a hole and who are not emerging again.

Fear keeps me from doing so many things. Anxiety stops me dead in my tracks. Sometimes we have a mix with depression in it too. I feel like a shrink would have a hay day with me. He or she would not know where to start, because I do not know where to start. The world we are seeing right now has me frozen in fear. 

How do we deal with the mixed bag of emotions we have right now? How are you dealing with this all? Is this all just too much? Life sucks, life is magical. It is in finding the balance between our fear and anxiety and keeping ourselves safe that we can move one step forward, then another, then another. Little baby steps I take. I feel like I am walking on the edge of a building waiting to fall. Will I fall? Possibly, but I need to live, and staying in all day every day ( other than work) is not living. 

So I will stick my toe in, I will take a deep breath, and move forward with caution. I will write, read and keep living the best life I can right now and know that sometimes the world seems cruel, but I also know it can be kind and people can show kindness in the most amazing ways, so fear not friends, baby steps we go out back into the world. Back into our one precious life. One. Step. At. A. Time!

May your fears not stop you from living your best life.

Your friend in all of this Chaos,

Debbie

xoxoxo

PS. How are you really doing?