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Grief, Life, and Struggling to be Okay

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 This is normally my favorite time of year. I drive north till I find color, so about an hour and a half or two. This is the season of light, brightness, and color, yet I feel down. My mom died in November and I feel the season will, going forward, weigh heavy on me. I feel the joy of my favorite season is gone. She would hate that for me. She would want me to enjoy life, but the grief anchors me to the shore. I can see out over the metaphorical harbor and the fear keeps me from moving. I love the colors of fall. Although I live in Georgia now, the colors truly put on a show growing up in New Jersey, and I love traveling there in the fall. The yellows are predominant down here. There are some red and orange, but not a lot. The light though does not disappoint. It is so beautiful and soft falling through the trees. It shines down on me and reminds me of my mother. She shone so bright when she was alive. When the sun shines down, I imagine it is her shining down on me.  The color show in
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Midnight Writing

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I used to write after midnight. The hours between midnight and 4 AM were the only times I had to write as my kids grew up. I have been sick and now awake at 2AM again. Why are these hours always calling me to write? The above photo is of my old office. I have since moved into another room of my home as my home office. It's all mine for the first time that I have an entire room to write in. It's now Labor Day and it is an extra day to write. I woke up coughing as I had been dealing with some health issues lately. I realize though that I have missed writing in these wee hours. The wee hours of the morning and the house is entirely quiet. No one stirs in these wee hour morning hours. Not even the cat. It has been a long time since I needed to write, and the need woke me up.  I am dealing with coughing and allergic reactions to things and have been in and out of two med stops for help. Apparently, the cough medicine is not working, as I am typing to you at 2:35AM. I used to write d
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Autumn's Coming

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I have been pushing Summer out. Before you get mad at me, Summer in Georiga has gotten unbearable. this heat catches your breath and you struggle to breathe, so I pushed summer out. I have been wearing fall shirts for a few weeks. I have even brought sweaters to work to pretend it is cold, which is in my office, so that works. Come on Autumn Fall is all pumpkins and orange, red, and yellow leaves. It is a time when nature reminds us that all change is not bad. The colors mix and the fragrance of cinnamon simmers on the stove. Hot cocoa is being made again, and blankets are returning to the nightly routine when the temperatures are dipping down.  This time of year makes me so happy and this year my husband and I planned a trip for my b day, which coordinates with the leaves changing colors. I love photographing the change in season. It makes me so happy to see them change and when they fall off the trees they dance around me and remind me that change is coming again. I started making te
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                              This is New Jersey in Winter and the 110-degree weather has me dreaming of snow. This is where my sister used to life and her favorite home if you ask her.  As with every snow you get locked into the house due to the cold weather, I needed some air, so I took a walk into the snow. My nose froze, my hair froze, my mittens mittens required and I think I was out walking for maybe ten minutes then walked back to her home and spent the next fifteen minutes taking off all my layers. It is Summer right now and this heat is killing me. It feels like 110 every single day and breathing outside is hard. I cannot believe I am writing this, but I am craving the cold. I will even take an 80-degree day. This 100-110 daily for months is too much. We cannot open a curtain or a window. It never gets cool enough to open a window, so what are you to do? Place games, binge-watching tv shows?  When I am with my sister and it is winter we bake. Bake homemade muffins, or homemade
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Grief is a Fickle Pickle

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  This is my bestie. Bestie of 27 years. He is always there for me, as I am for him. That white box is a birthday cake. He came down from another county to go to the fair with me and celebrate my birthday.  Since my mom died, God bless him, he has listened to all my tears and sobbing and just let me cry on his shoulder. I keep thinking I am over the grief, but it comes at me like a bulldozer and I try to hide, which we all know does not work.  Best friends are one of the most important things about grief. You need your BFF to be there at 2 AM, at 3pm, whatever day, whatever time. He just listens and I know he is thinking about his own mother who is older and not doing well.  I keep coming back to the Crowder song when he talks about the dash on your tombstone. He sings how that dash represents the years you have. It is a small window of your life. You may be in the depth of crap right now in life, but it is a small part of your life. I cannot help but think every day that I am falling
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Tea Time

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(Photo by me, cookies baked by me ;) What is it about tea that brings people together? When you go to someone else's house they offer you tea or coffee. They make up some munchies and you sit and talk the day away. What about a cup of tea that causes time to stop and allows us to focus on being present. It's comforting to drink and hold. It's a gift given by someone who cares about your well-being. Tea is a universal language of comfort.  When someone on the Big Bang show feels down, they are brought a cup of tea even if they do not want it. Tea and comfort go hand in hand. Tonight I made myself a cup of clementine tea. It is hot in Georgia right now, but sometimes you just need a cup of comfort. It has been a rough 24 hours and many tears, on my part, have been shed.  Tonight I drink out of a mug my sister sent me years ago and I recently found it again. It says A Sister is God's way of assuring we never walk alone. Having a sister is the best. Someone to talk to who g
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Hot HOT HOTTER

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 While the temperature is rising, global warming is a thing. So many people tell me it is not, but I know ten years ago in Ga I did not have to hide in the house. I could hang sheets on the line and now self-combust. This 105/110 is no joke. Yesterday we were outside walking for maybe five minutes and had trouble breathing and headed back to the car and AC. Photo by Me on Tybee Island This year just seems hot hot hotter. It is to the point where the insulated curtains are pulled and kept closed all day. Right now it is 96 outside and it is hard to do anything outside. I remember summers when I did yard work, where I mowed, where the outside did not try to kill me. This year has been hell.  Even the lake we normally go to to cool down is hot as bathwater, so here I sit inside writing to all of you. Who else is baking these days?  I cannot believe everyone does not believe we are doing this to our own planet. While I claim to not know a lot about global warming, I do my best to live a su
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