life of a georgia Artist

                                          Photo by Me. Woodbury Covered Bridge So life lately has given me Anxiety and Stress. This life feels as if I am riding a roller coaster. I am not sure if life is up or down. If it is good or bad. If it is coming or going. I used to think I was in control. That I could handle anything, but honestly God can handle anything and I do not want his job, but I find myself turning to him more and more. If you have been with me a bit you know I lost my mom in November 2023. This has been the biggest struggle for me. I have not, am not, and probably will not, handle this well. I have read the books I have talked to others, and I have found support, but I feel at a loss without my mom. she was my number one supporter. She was with me my whole life and no one else has been and to lose that person shattered and devastated me.  Add to the list of stresses we all have, work, spouses, friends, relationships, and anything you deal with here. We are all trying o

                                                         Photo by  Zoriana Stakhniv  on  Unsplash  Marriage. Wedded Bliss. You found your forever after and you believe all your problems are solved. You found your spouse and now everything is coming up roses. Life will get easier, better, and happier by finding your spouse. We have all been fed a pack of lies.  Married life now means you have someone living with you. Hopefully happy and in love with you, but know that life will not magically turn into a bed of roses. Marriage is work. It is a full-time job. It is not fifty-fifty.  Sometimes you will give 60, your spouse will give 40, and sometimes you can only muster 20.  Life is hard at best, a struggle to survive it at its worst. There are days when you want to growl at your spouse and days you want to just hold them and kiss them and snuggle close. There are days when you both have struggled in the world and just need to order out and be ok with that. Marriage is a give and take and

  Someone once told me that when you see a red cardinal, it is an angel visiting you. I saw one and I thought of Mom. Lately, I have been struggling and I miss her so much. I know she would listen. She would have some great advice. She was always ready to listen to any of her three children and later her grandchildren. So the other day I heard a song. It said God Shatters you to make you new. I have felt so shattered lately. Fragments of my soul fall off as I walk. A piece here and there as I step in faith.   The song made me think about my life lately and how sad I have been, how shattered I feel since losing my mom. This song made me feel like it is ok to be shattered. God has me, holds me, guides me, and in shattering me, it leaves space for new things to sprout. For new things to grow in me. It allows space and cracks for what I need to grow. As much as this growth hurts I cannot imagine staying still much longer. The elephant on my chest has me calling uncle, so I turn to you God

  My mom has been gone for three months today. I woke up this morning and was upset and did not know why, then I saw the date on the calendar and realized today she has been gone three months. She missed Christmas, she missed Thanksgiving, she missed Valentine's Day, and it will keep on going. While I struggle to remember all the fun times we did share, all the times she spent loving on me and my kiddos, all the trips to NJ, or when we lived in Maryland and were close enough to spend every holiday together. I hosted every holiday for the years we were stationed close enough to be with family. I knew it was not going to last. I knew they would move us and far away from the family again. This is a photo of Clinton, NJ. My mom had a condo in this town for some years. I spent my sister's night before she got married night, together with her and our mom. I would stay in the condo with her and my sister and love us three women being together. I borrowed Mom's car to go at the cra

  Scents hit me like the waves of grief I am dealing with. They hit my nose and suddenly I remember the smell of flowers my grandpa and I grew as a young kid. A perfume my grandma wore floats past me as a stranger walks by. Flowers blooming smelling of jasmine and sunshine tickle my nose and I am magically transported to another time in my life. Scents are powerful reminders of times remembered.  When my mom passed away I struggled, and still do, with attaching a scent to her. She hadn't worn perfume in years. I did go in and have coffee with her each morning when I went up to visit her. Let me say CPAP machines and oxygen masks are what I remember, so for this time, before she died, coffee was our scent. She Came out of her room to have dinner with me and the family on my birthday. We celebrated my 55 with three mini cupcakes each. Chocolate for us both.  Today I went to a coffee shop and the smell as I walked in, and I began to cry. I blamed it on allergies, got my coffee and min

 This is a sign, or was, in the Newark airport. I don't know if it is there still as I am flying into Philly airport now.  I was walking by and turned to catch it, so it is a big blurry mess, but when you are running to catch a plane, you snap and keep running.  I grew up in New Jersey but always felt I did not belong in that state. I even asked my mom once if she adopted me from the South, and her response was, "Don't be ridiculous you look just like me." And she is right. I could be her twin.  My mom has been gone only a little over two months. The waves of grief come and go, and the tears keep pouring out. My heart is shattered. I know it will take a long time to heal it. I have read three grief books, gotten her words tattooed on my arm (in her writing) and I am on the fourth book. Apparently, reading about grief and tattoos on my arm is how I am dealing with this.  Have you lost a loved one? I am guessing you have. I am guessing you have had your own way of