A lil New Jersey

 This is a sign, or was, in the Newark airport. I don't know if it is there still as I am flying into Philly airport now.  I was walking by and turned to catch it, so it is a big blurry mess, but when you are running to catch a plane, you snap and keep running. 

I grew up in New Jersey but always felt I did not belong in that state. I even asked my mom once if she adopted me from the South, and her response was, "Don't be ridiculous you look just like me." And she is right. I could be her twin. 

My mom has been gone only a little over two months. The waves of grief come and go, and the tears keep pouring out. My heart is shattered. I know it will take a long time to heal it. I have read three grief books, gotten her words tattooed on my arm (in her writing) and I am on the fourth book. Apparently, reading about grief and tattoos on my arm is how I am dealing with this. 

Have you lost a loved one? I am guessing you have. I am guessing you have had your own way of dealing with it. Did you read like me? Do something else to honor them? What got you through it? I read this morning and there was a phrase in the book that made me angry, it said when you are fixed again you will be fine. Fixed? Excuse me? Yeah, I stopped reading that book right away. 

I feel like everyone has their own grief path to travel. We all deal with death in different ways. I don't think someone needs to be fixed. I am not a grief counselor, but honestly am thinking about going for my master's in it. I struggle daily with the death of my mother. My grandparents died so many years ago, but I do not remember the grief being this heavy. A parent, to me, seems heavier. I am struggling to stay afloat. 

I read that you don't want to live without the person who has died, but that does not mean you do not want to commit suicide. I thought that was a sentence that said a lot with a small number of words. I have had those exact thoughts. This life without the only parent I had seems horrible at best and I struggle to get through one day to the next. I do not want to work, I do not want to see friends, I want to live under a rock, but I know my mom would want me to live my best life, so for now, my best life is living one day to the next and that is ok.

Grief has a way of changing how we look at life. We have one quick life and not one minute more and what we do with our time is what matters, so I think for now, for me, I will be writing about grief, about how I get to the next day. I do not need to be fixed; I just need someone to listen. 

Grief is fickle pickle, which I now have my grandbaby saying. She loves saying fickle pickle. I know if I was not here on this earth, I would miss her and all the rest of my family. So, I plan on sticking around, but I am not the same as before my mother died. I am more somber. More subdued, and I think that is my grief. I have not laughed or smiled. I struggle daily to be ok.

I read a book recently that had me shaking my head and saying out loud, YES! It is “It’s OK to not be ok by Megan Devine. Trust me, it is worth a read it you are grieving get it. Other books placated grief, touched on it, and made you feel horrible for grieving. This one I was like yes, that, yes this! She knows her stuff and the book was amazing. Give it a read. Right now, Grief and I have made friends. We sit together and we talk, and one day I will not cry so much, but right now I am right where I should be in my walk of grief with my mother’s passing. Yesterday a cardinal stopped by, they are believed to be the presence of a loved one. It sat on my back fence about five feet from me and I said Hi Mom, it hopped closer and just looked at me and I thought, I hear you Mom, you are checking on me. I told her I would be fine in time, but I love and miss her so much.

I cried instantly. She was checking on me, and she was the one who died. I don’t think I could see a red cardinal anymore without thinking of her checking on me. It’s winter and beyond cold and I do not normally see any birds this time of year, but there was my mom. (or so I believe)

Life is hard, get some help if you need it. 988 is the suicide hotline, call if you need to. There is never shame in asking for help. I am looking for a grief counselor too. If you find a good one let me know, but for now, the grandbaby beckons.

I know you know grief; you cannot live without knowing it. Know we are all in this together and reach out if you want to talk. Here is to a good rest of the weekend for us all. You are all in my prayers.

Much love,

Debbie

xoxoxoxo