Mother's Day and the Sh*t show it will become. I AM READY!

                                    Mother's Day is coming in hot and my mother died. 

This will be the first Mother's Day without her. My sister has plans that day, and I do not, but our hearts will be on Mom no matter what we do. There is no running away from grief. 

Grief will fill our minds, and our hearts, and keep us focused on her passing away. Our minds will wander to her and wonder where she is in this vast universe. We will think of the last time we saw her, hugged, her, and talked with her. Grief will bring us back to her last breath. We will try to move on, move past, but you know what I have found out, that is BS. We all have our own grief walk to take. We all have our own correct path to move forward.

I have thought about joining a grief support group and then thought perhaps not. I am not so sure I could listen to others about their grief. I am empathetic and know I would feel it all. Life has been difficult enough for me since she died. It feels like there is an elephant of grief on my chest. It refuses to move, to let up, but I think if it did let me go I might just float away and try to find my mom, which I am pretty sure is not healthy. 

My mom was 77 when she died. Did I tell you she has had cancer twice, she needed a double knee surgery, but due to her afib she could not have it. She would have died on the table, so the doctor said she would not have the surgery. 

My mom dealt with a lot in life. She had me at 21 when she was married to a military man. He came back stateside and said he didn't want either of us. We moved into my grandparent's house and shared a bedroom. My great granny was across the way and my grandparents were right next to our room. It was four generations existing and living our best lives, or so I thought. Mom was not happy but worked at RCA to provide for me by herself. My sperm donor of a man ( he doesn't deserve a name here) when he came back stateside refused to pay child support and divorced my mom. He was a piece of well mud pie.

My mom did the best with me. Taking me to church. Signing me up for acting classes, which I still do not get as I did not want to be on the stage. She was funny that way, always thinking  I needed more than I did. She had her mother raise me while she worked. My grandfather was my favorite because well he spoiled me, but my grandma changed me, bathed me, and raised me while my mom was at work. My grandma and I used to play hide and seek and chase each other around. She was also the best at scrambled eggs. 

Why do I tell you all this? This year I realized my great granny, my grandma, my mother and I represent the strong woman in this family. Yes,  Mother's Day is going to be a time bomb waiting to go off, but I am sure my sister and I will lean on each other. Sisters are truly the best. She has plans, but I know it will hit her too. First Mother's Day is coming. I feel it sneaking up behind my back. I am ready to just let it wash over me. Let the day take its best shot and if I end up on the ground in a puddle so be it. I have come to the time in my life where I just let life wash me away with it.

I pray you have an amazing Mother's Day, but if it is your first without your mom, know you are not alone. Know you are in great company. Remember to breathe, in and out, and let the day do as it may as you stand strong against it, lay down, and don't move because of it or whatever else is going to happen. Life is coming in hot and I am ready to receive the good and the bad.

May the waves of grief lessen as we move through it and know you are not alone if you need support call 988 and ask for help. 

Happy Mother's Day to you all! May it be filled with love, kindness, and friendship. We are all in this life together.

Much kindness,

Debbie

xoxoxoox