A Before & an After

 My Mom passed away on November 17th, 2023. I have noticed there is a divide. My life is now full of when mom was alive and now after she passed away. Literally, my life has been split into two pieces. Two fragments. Two pieces to make up a whole. This photo is from Clinton NJ. My mom lived there for some years and I loved walking around the town with her. One time I left early to go take morning photos and I came back before she was even awake. I told her about a coffee shop downtown, and she mentioned she had coffee at home. I made her come with me. We got coffee. I bought her a bag to take home to make her coffee at home. We got bagels and chatted and watched the people walk by the windows. She loved people and would wave to anyone walking by.

My mom died at 77. She was a heavy smoker for decades and had COPD and Afib. In the end, her heart just gave out. She could not do a lot and it was hard when she fell and we needed to scoop her up. When she got to 77 she told us kids she was ready to go. Within two weeks of starting Hospice, she passed away.  She lived a life of smiles, hardships, dancing, and being told to sit down. 

Life is def not easy, but when you lose the only parent you have, you realize how quick life changes. She was the head of the family, and now I am. She was the one we all turned to, and now I'm the one my siblings turn to. Lord help us all. I am struggling to get through a day without crying. I am struggling to make it to the next day. I am struggling to eat, to move, to live. I cry without warning, I hurt in a deep down space I did not know even was there. I am doing the best I can. Monday will be my first x mas without her. This x mas will be the first one remembering her life, talking about her and what she is missing, but is she actually missing it? Can she see us? I do not know, but I would like to think that yes she can. 

My mom loved her some Neil Diamond. My sister took her to a concert a few years back and mom had a blast seeing him live. My sister did well. Mom always loved listening to Neil's music, but I think she missed dancing to his music more. She loved to be moving, dancing, and singing out loud. Mom loved life and lived in large. When she was getting ready to die, she told us to have a party when she passed away. Let me tell you, I blew up balloons and we put up We will miss you signs around my sister's house. We decorated and invited everyone back to my sister's house to eat, share stories, and play everyone some Neil Diamond. 

Life is full of ups and downs. My mom's passing is both. She struggled to walk, to roll in her wheelchair, to move at all. She hated being confined to her hospital bed. She fell a few times and worried us, but she assured us she was going to go to heaven and we need not mourn her, but be ready to see her in heaven and come ready to dance. I imagine God saying to her, "Anna, are we dancing again? and him/her joining in her joy. My mom raised me for 9 years in my grandparent's home. We shared a bedroom together. I know it was hard on her and she married a horrible man after I turned nine, but she was doing what she thought was best and who am I to disagree? It was her life to live and I cannot judge her. That is heaven's job I think.

If you would like to read more about her Anna May Hug your loved ones, say I love you and remember life is short, make the best out of the time you have left, live your life full of vibrance, kindness, and don't forget to dance. 

All the best,

Debbie

xoxoxo

PS REST IN PEACE MOM.