Merry & Bright?

 There is a lot of pressure on people this time of year. We need to buy the perfect gifts and remember everyone on our list. We need to buy food but consider everyone's dietary needs. We need drinks on hand for people who drink alcohol and for those who do not. We need to do this, this, this, AND that. How is this conducive to having a Merry & Bright Christmas?

This year I went small. My sister and I exchange a mug and give my adult children cash because the lord knows what they need or want this time of year. I baked my apple pie, I made my sugar cookies and the birds in the oven. This year is going to be light.

This year, if you read my last post you know, that my mom passed away. She loved the music, the lights, the twinkle, and being with all her loved ones. Mom dressed in the nines for the holidays. She would wear her holiday vest. She would jingle as she walked. Antlers on her head and bells on her feet. My mom hugely celebrated every holiday, birthday, and birth of a grandchild. Nothing was small to her. You made it through something hard, let's celebrate. You got a new job, celebrate, and on and on she went. She loved life!

Christmas this year is hard at its best, and devastating in the least. My mom was a huge part of the holidays and she learned from her parents who also did up the holidays! One year for Easter there was a cake in the shape of a bunny. My family loves family. We have so many wonderful memories of our mother. Yes, she is gone, yes there is grief, and yes I miss her every single day. I know she was suffering in the end and I would rather be in heaven than suffer. I am sure we all want that for our elderly parents. 

My mom was dusting and was on a step stool when she fell and broke her arm, she still said she was pushing her granddaughter around seaside heights and everyone else could just move away. My mom was her family. With each grandchild and then great-grandchildren she never got to meet, she let her heart grow and grow until it was huge and she loved everyone she met. 

Today is Christmas. There is a song by Joni Mitchell titled River. I feel like floating down a river today. I feel like I'm unmoored and floating along. Without my one parent, who was the only one I had, and two deceased grandparents, I am a boat about to sink, hit something, or get lost on open waters. Family is what grounds me and without mine, I find this season so difficult. I have siblings, but they are up in NJ. I love in Ga and only get to see them every so often. Today they are gathering. They are together and I am here. Unmoored and sinking. 

Grief from my mother's death comes and goes. Home for the holidays, in a Christmas song, sets me off. Angels singing in heaven is another pitfall, but there are also scents when someone walks by me with her perfume on. Some cars looked like hers. There are places we used to go and now I won't enter them. Now she has only been gone a month and I know grief is a process. I am putting one foot in front of the other. 

Now, how is your day going?  Is it all you wanted? Did you burn the bird? Forget to bake the cookies, did tinsel fall down and now you want to redo your tree? Life has these unknown conditions. We want the best, we want to give it all to our kids. We set goals that only Martha Stuart could achieve, with her team of elves.

I pray this holiday season is a good one, but if you need help 988 is the suicide prevention hotline. Make a call, reach out, I care, others care, you do not have to do this holiday season alone. Know I know how it is. I have been there at some extremely low points, but I know there are highs too. Some of the in-betweens are amazing too. If you need help, call 988, or if you have a friend you can reach out to, do that too. 

Christmas is full of relatives that argue, and fight, but also cook together, laugh together and other great memories are being made. Fight for what you need this season and know we all do not have it together. I know I don't. Well, the timer for this damn bird has gone off again. Baste time, but do I care no, I do it for the family.  I pray you have an amazing day filled with loved ones, but if you do not, and need help, call 988. I always keep people thinking of suicide in my prayers. Please know no matter what you are going through, I am here, 988 has trained counselors, and I am sure friends would listen today and any day you need them.

God Bless You!

Your friend, Debbie

xoxoxoxo