Anxiety, Stress, and Life's Roller Coaster
So life lately has given me Anxiety and Stress. This life feels as if I am riding a roller coaster. I am not sure if life is up or down. If it is good or bad. If it is coming or going. I used to think I was in control. That I could handle anything, but honestly God can handle anything and I do not want his job, but I find myself turning to him more and more.
If you have been with me a bit you know I lost my mom in November 2023. This has been the biggest struggle for me. I have not, am not, and probably will not, handle this well. I have read the books I have talked to others, and I have found support, but I feel at a loss without my mom. she was my number one supporter. She was with me my whole life and no one else has been and to lose that person shattered and devastated me.
Add to the list of stresses we all have, work, spouses, friends, relationships, and anything you deal with here. We are all trying our best and I can tell you when my mom died I was frozen, numb, dumbfounded at what to say, what to do, what to anything really. I used to call her on the way home from work and loved hearing how her day was, and what was going on with her, and just chit-chat and catch up on each other's lives. She lived in NJ and I live in Ga, which made it even harder.
Let me say I don't cry as much anymore, but grief does cripple me from time to time. I don't know what to do with it sometimes so I ride it like a roller coaster until I am comfortable with it and let it wash over me instead of pulling me down with the tide. It takes time, healing, and knowing my mom is watching over me. I know she would hate to see me struggle so much. She would not want me Boo Hooing, yes she would say that. My sis and I wrote her Eulogy. When we read our part we both held the other one up and our brother, who is tall and works out, was right behind us ready to catch us when and if we fell down. He did not want to say or write anything, but he came up with us and he gave us strength by just being with us. I believe the three of us are stronger together than apart.
Life is full of stressors, full of anxiety these days, and up and down and turns and twists. I am trying to straighten out my path through grief and feel like I'm sinking, but I realized why, I am trying to straighten the road. I am trying to put a square peg in that damned round hole and arguing and crying as I do so, but now, well I know that the waves of grief will come and go. The twists of this one precious life are full of hiccups and some upside-down turns, but it is a good one and one I want to live out to make my mom up in heaven proud of me. I will keep pressing on. I will keep her words in my heart, I will keep all the lessons she taught me fresh in my mind and I will handle my anxiety about life, bills, relationships, and whatever else comes my way. I know God has my mom and he holds me tight as well.
He has risen, Amen
Your friend,
Debbie xoxoxoxo
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