Love and Vulnerability

So after some recent stuff going on in my life, I was able to finish this article and wanted to share it with you..


Love and Vulnerability by Debbie Ealer



Vulnerability and Love
            We all struggle with balance in our daily lives. We struggle with how much of ourselves to give, how much to hold onto, and how much is making us so vulnerable that we are hurting ourselves. We struggle with being nice; we struggle with keeping kindness for ourselves. Everyone says they want to be in love and give freely one hundred percent of themselves to the other person. Are we willing to be vulnerable enough share all the light and dark of ourselves? Do we need to give 100%? There is a balance we need to strive to achieve in any relationship. Is love and vulnerability possible?
            If we give all of ourselves, if we love completely, and give our heart the portal to love wide open than we are vulnerable. We are open to being hurt all the time and we will be hurt. We will be hurt down to our core that will shake our faith in love. Love comes from being vulnerable. It comes from freely loving with no conditions attached. We need to accept the person for who they are. We need to allow love to come into our hearts in anyway it wants and that makes us vulnerable.
            So I wrote this top part a few weeks ago and was not sure how to finish it. With recently having my heart smashed into a million tiny pieces, I can speak on this topic from recent experiences. I struggle with the balance of being hurt and maintaining that openness to love. It is a mental struggle to not just say, “GO TO HELL”, to the other person. Neither of us have really done anything wrong. It just fell apart. Once again, square peg, round hole. It just won’t work.
I find myself wanting to climb into a hole, somewhere dark and damp, because I feel I no longer deserve the light. I find myself questioning my value, my heart, and my judgements.
Before all of this happened I knew I was smart, beautiful, and tough. I knew I was enough. Now though I question myself. I feel like less of me. I feel like shutting down completely again and saying that love is not worth this amount of hurt, but I push. I push my heart open. It feels like a 20 ton steel door I am pushing, but dammit I push. I refuse to believe I am less without this person. I refuse to believe he changed my worth. In all honesty I know I am the same person who is worthy of love, but the heart, oh that heart, it wants to close. I struggle daily with waking up depressed and pushing it away. I logically know no other person makes me happy. I know I make myself happy with whom I decide to be with.
Why do we constantly strive to be with a person to validate our worth? We are amazing. I am amazing. I know that love and vulnerability is hard. I know wide open hearts are scary as all shit. I know I am enough. I am smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, and I know this based on me, not anyone I decide to be with. But oh love! How I so enjoyed you for that brief moment I had you again in my life. So today, as with all the days of the last few weeks I push and struggle and claw that hinge open on my heart. I cannot and will not allow you to close. What if love wants to find its way into your heart and you are closed? No, no, no! Listen up heart; you will stay open to being hurt. If we close ourselves off constantly for fear than we simply have no hope of adventures, learning, or happiness in love.
Being vulnerable is scary. It is. Allowing someone in that will possible hurt you is frightening. The what- ifs flow through your mind. The worse possible idea pops into your heart and tries to tell your heart to close. If we can just keep our hearts vulnerable then loving someone else is possible. They might be there for a short time or long time. Love is love. I am happy to have loved again, know that I still can, and know I made it to the other side. Yes it hurt, yes it was good and bad, but here I am on the end side of it and looking at it as a learning experience. I have learned how to love, wide open put it out there love, and I lived. What do you have to lose?
Keep that heart open, keep your vulnerability shield down and live. Live a life worth living even if you get hurt.

With all of that said, love is a prickly pear and I am always open to love :D


Sincerely,
your poet/storyteler
xo
Debbie :D

Comments

  1. You are still in the game.

    You do reach a point where you don't care to fall in love or recognize it can get in the way of what you have going. I would say that is sad; but, it isn't. It is where you get in life if you live long enough.

    As far as being open, I stay open to people. I get my feelings hurt, but the good outweighs the bad. I'm not prone to depression which helps a lot. We all have to reach our own peace.

    From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

    I hold it true, whate'er befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    'Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Ann, its an ongoing journey in life :D

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