Love and Him: Take 2

So this is something I wrote a bit ago and included the poem I wrote also. I placed them together like this because I think they are beautiful together. I hope you enjoy it.

 Love & Him

            He stole my heart right away and I fell down the rabbit hole. I fell in love and struggled with balance in my daily life. I struggle with how much of myself to give to someone, how much to hold onto, and how much is making me so vulnerable that I am hurting myself. I struggle with being nice; I struggle with keeping kindness for myself, I struggle with being in love. Everyone says they want to be in love and give freely of themselves to the other person, but are we willing to be vulnerable enough to share all the light and dark of ourselves? There is a balance we need to strive to achieve in any relationship. Is love and vulnerability possible? I am here to say; I lost my balance, but had my heart smashed and it was worth it.

I felt at peace in his hands, but it fell to pieces.

His arms left my waist, his hands let go of mine,

before I could breath, but now,

now I cannot catch my breathe.

If we give all of ourselves, if we love completely, and give our heart the portal to love wide open than we are vulnerable,but  can we still breathe? We are open to being hurt all the time and we will be hurt. I had my heart smashed and I was loved, I gave love, I opened a wall in my heart that has been shut with cement. I was hurt down to my core, which shook my faith in love. Love comes from being truly vulnerable.

How could loving wide open hurt so much?

If only he could love me.

If only he could see how good we could be.

If only he would reach out.

If only, if only, if only!

 We need to accept the person for who they are. We need to allow love to come into our hearts in anyway it wants and that makes us vulnerable. So I did just that. I said I love you, I am in love with you, and I want you. I said what ifs; I said if only, I tried to make it fit when it was wrong. 

I fell in love and found myself out on a ledge,

waiting to be pulled in, but he left me alone.

Vulnerable, ready to jump, and dared him to let me fall.

           

I fell.

Why do I give this feeling so much power?

            Neither of us have really done anything wrong. It just fell apart. Once again, square peg, round hole. It just won’t work. I find myself wanting to climb into a hole, somewhere dark and damp, because I feel I no longer deserve the light. I find myself questioning my value, my heart, and my judgements. I find myself questioning how I could freely give so much of myself away to someone who was not worth it. I find myself questioning who I thought I was in life and why I caved to love so easily that I lost pieces of me along the way. They lay like cookie crumbs, so I can make my way back to being whole.

It’s just one emotion; I go through hundreds a day.

One motion forward, now falling backwards.

I allowed myself to love him; I fell hard into the sidewalk

when he let go. My heart smashed!

Before all of this happened I knew I was smart, beautiful, and tough. I knew I was enough. Now though I question myself. I feel like less of me. I feel like shutting down completely again and saying that love is not worth this amount of hurt, but I push. I push my heart open. In all honesty I know I am the same person who is worthy of love, but the heart, oh that heart, it wants to close. I logically know no other person makes me happy. I know I make myself happy with whom I decide to be with and what I decide to do in life. 

When I was with him my feet barely touched the ground,

but now… now I crawl, I struggled to walk again.

Clawing my way along the street as I attempt to pick

up pieces of my soul.

I struggle to remain open, to not close myself off to possibilities.

The hurt that he inflected gashed my heart, so unsure around him,

so unlike myself.

Why do we constantly strive to be with a person to validate our worth? We are amazing. I am amazing. Why do I give him the power to change how I fell about myself? I know wide open hearts are scary as sh*t. How I so enjoyed you for that brief moment I had you again in my life. So today, as with all the days of the last few weeks I push and struggle and claw that hinge open on my heart. I cannot and will not allow you to close. 

I gave too much, I pushed too hard,

I struggle with balance in life…and love.

I struggle with the voice inside.

I struggle to breathe again, to walk again,

And to be myself once more, alone.

What if love wants to find its way into my heart and it is closed? No, no, no! Listen up heart; you will stay open to being hurt, you will be hurt, you will crumble, you will heal. If I close myself off constantly for fear than I will simply have no hope of adventures, learning, or happiness in love. I need to reclaim my power and not listen to love.

I was vulnerable; I had my heart broken,

So what, but I loved. I let him in.

I allowed a man to see all of me, for good or bad.

I was wide open to kisses, late night walks,

to being held by those strong arms.

                                                               

Being vulnerable is scary. It is. Allowing someone in that will possible hurt you is frightening. The what- ifs flow through your mind. The worse possible idea pops into your heart and tries to tell your heart to close.

You live and you learn is a crock of sh*t.

You love, you get hurt, and you struggle

not to shut down.  Then you fight and

claw your way back to some normalcy.

 If we can just keep our hearts vulnerable then loving someone else is possible. They might be there for a short time or long time. I am happy to have loved again, knowing that I still can, and knowing I made it to the other side.

Love. I am glad I tried…again.

Now how do I begin once more?

Wide open and vulnerable?

My memory stuck on him.

The balance is a constant juggling act,

I still struggle with trying to handle

my life--alone once more.

 Yes it hurt, yes it was good and bad, but here I am on the end side of it and looking at it as a learning experience. I have learned how to love, wide open and placing love out there, and I lived. What do you have to lose? Live a life worth living even if you get hurt. I feel stronger for having come out of this on the other side. I was broken hearted, but in the end he was not worth it. A shot at love was definitely worth it.

I hope you enjoyed it. I write through my pain once the fogs lift. I really enjoyed combining the poem with the story. I think they flowed well together and I hope you have happiness and love in your life. As for me, my spririt is still looking to see where it will land next.

xo 

your storyteller/poet

Debbie