My New Jersey Fam
The majority of my family still resides in NJ and myself, I am in Ga. My kids and my granddaughter live in Georgia too. I have a sis and a brother and 4 nieces up north. I am planning a trip either with my sis this year in Nov to honor our mom being gone one year, and/or I will be going up to spend time with my brother and his family, which I don't normally do. I usually stay with my sis. I realized tho that I am closer with my sis because I do stay with her when I go up. I talked to my brother and he graciously said to let him know the dates and he would love to have me stay there.
Since our mom died I fear we are all unmoored. We are ships at sea with no captain. Only the waves decide where we shall go. I fear without our leader we will crash into other boats and sink. I am the oldest, so I will do my best to visit more. To be more involved with my NJ family. I really do miss them.
Mom has been gone 7 months. I worry sometimes that I will forget her, but then I think that is nuts. If I look in a mirror I am her spitting image, so there you have it, I will see her daily in the mirror. I am amazed how time flies. I miss her every day. I have her items I kept and wear them all the time, but it is not the same as her being here, now is it? Nope. I made it through this month's date of the 17th without tears. I know I have a way to go through this grief, but I imagine her saying to everyone up there, that one , that one there, yep she is a good one and my oldest, It was only us two for nine years. We lived with my grandparents and great-granny.
Another month is coming up, July and her birthday is right around the corner. While the 17th of each month is hard, I fear the birthday may do me in. I plan on taking that day off. I fear I will be a puddle on the floor once again. Not having a dad and losing my mom was horrible at best. It is heartbreaking when your only parent dies. She would be 78 this year. Perhaps a party is called for. Maybe a lil birthday celebration of her life party. A new ink of something she liked? Who knows.
I read the book I told you about in the last post, consciously grieving book. Do you remember which one I am talking about? Ever since reading it I do not pitcher her weeping when she thinks of me, but joyous when she spots me down here and I am ok. I am working my way through grief and while it still hard, I have come to realize she is up there shouting down at me, YOU GOT THIS! And I do. I am still going through the grief, but it is no longer a dark fog. It is a light radiating down on me from my mom up above.
When I dance to her favorite Neil Diamond song I imagine her laughing at me thinking, yep that is my kid already, full of vigor and spit and fire. I raised a good one. So for now, I am ok, I am seeing some light and honestly that book seriously helped. Day by day, minute by minute light is coming through.
May today be a good day for you, may you know you are not alone and it is ok to not be ok. Life is hard, death is horrible, but part of life, and we have losses and we do our best to deal with them, because no one can ask anything else of us except to do our best and are we not all just doing that?
I pray you are well,
Love,
your friend,
Debbie
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