This Lil Light of Mine
Depression, Death, and many miles hiking.
As those of you know my mom passed away in November 2023 and I have been on the struggle bus since then, but then I look through some of my photos and I think about what makes me happy these days. Well, it is the outside. Walking outside. Riding in the car with the windows down, and inhaling air from anywhere where I am not confined by four walls.
I Feel better outside. With saying that, my allergies in Georgia do not feel better and hiking will award me with better mobility and a sinus infection, but my light shall not be shoved under the door, it shall not be ignored. I have been a mess. Every month on the 17th you can find me in a puddle on the floor and I am trying to move through it. Being outside and looking at something else, neighbors, a stray cat walking by, people turning lights on in their house and seeing the people in them smiling.
I am reading another book on grief and it may have been long enough that this one is helping me. I have read about 8 so far. I am trudging through this life without a mom. It's so odd to be a daughter to no one. I cannot point to anyone anymore and say that is my mother. It is odd. I am used to saying, well let me call mom or check in with mom and see how she is feeling.
I never had a dad, so when my mom died it hit hard. She had another son and daughter by her second husband and I am blessed to call them my sis and bro. They are my family. I am blessed to have two kiddos in Georgia and a granddaughter who loves me fiercely. " Where is grandma, is grandma coming over, no I don't want that person, to call Grandma" She loves her grandma and I am truly blessed, but when you have no one above you in the family and you are the head, or oldest of the family it is just odd. One min you have a mom and then you do not.
The top photo is a state park about two hours north of me, but it is one of my all-time favorites and I do wish I loved closer, but it is worth the drive. The light in this park is stunning. the hike is easy on my bad knee, and it's only a mile. It has overlooks and the first time I went with my best friend, we are pretty quiet when we go hike we were about 100 feet apart and two deer ran between us and we both stood with our mouths open for quite a while. When we finally said something, we both said,:" WHOAH" It was amazing.
The second photo is about 2 hours south of me. It is a state park that is full of waterways. It is also full of alligators. I stay on the boardwalk and try not to appear tasty to the gators. The grasses, the trees, the paths, and the floating dock you can sit on as people kayak pass are nothing short of amazing. When I get out of my own head I can move my body, and still think of Mom, but feel better about this life, this world, and my life. It is amazing when you get out of your daily element it makes you feel different about the world.
Im working my way through this grief and I am taking my own time. I have had people say all sorts of things like, are you still on that, hasn't it been long enough? Well I do not know if it is long enough, but for me, I am struggling my way through it one day at a time. My grandparents ( I only had one set) are gone, I didn't have a dad, and I lost my mom, so yes at some point I will be on the other side of this, but for now, I am working on being ok.
May today be a blessing in your life. May you not take a minute for granted, and let your lil light shine on!
Your friend,
Debbie
xoxoxoxo
Comments
Post a Comment